


The Webs We Weave

by fembuck



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Lesbian Relationship, F/F, Femslash, Hurt No Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-27
Updated: 2013-05-27
Packaged: 2017-12-13 03:55:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/819695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fembuck/pseuds/fembuck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A look at what was going on in Delphine’s head during the scene where her secrets are revealed by Cosima.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Webs We Weave

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place during episode 1x09 Unconscious Selection.

A smile tugged at Delphine’s lips as she entered the restored Victorian house Cosima occupied the upper floor of.  As she headed into the foyer of the house, one of the main floor tenants emerged from her apartment.  Their eyes locked as the girl headed towards the door.  A blush blossomed on Delphine’s cheeks as she realized the girl had noticed her smiling stupidly to herself. 

“Pardon,” Delphine murmured a moment later, stepping to the side to clear a path to the door. 

“Merci,” the girl replied with the flat, hard inflection of someone who hadn’t spoken French since elementary school.

They exchanged awkward smiles and then the girl continued on her way out the front door. 

When the door clicked shut, Delphine sighed and tilted her head up towards the heavens, shaking it slightly from side to side in mortification.  She’d been smiling like an idiot since she’d left _Stubbe Chocolate_ with the box of truffles for Cosima in hand, and the girl who had just left had not been the first person to notice.  She had seen quite a few people glance at her as she walked to Cosima’s.  When she noticed them noticing her, she had tried to force her face into a more neutral expression, but couldn’t keep the smile off of her face for long.

She just couldn’t help the happy expression. 

She was looking forward to seeing Cosima. 

She was really looking forward to seeing her. 

She was giddy, actually, and the thought made her roll her eyes at herself. 

It seemed that one night in Cosima’s bed had turned her into a blushing schoolgirl. 

The thought drew another smile to her lips.

Truthfully, she had expected making love to Cosima to be a pleasant experience, but she had not anticipated just how satisfying it would be. 

She hadn’t expected the true hunger that Cosima had stirred in her.  She hadn’t expected to be as desperate, as wet, for Cosima’s touch as she ended up being.  She hadn’t expected to ache and throb for her the way she had.  But now that she knew, now that she had experienced making love to Cosima, now that she had known her mouth and fingers, had heard her soft cries and moans, had felt their breasts pressed together, had felt Cosima’s desire on her thigh, Delphine wanted more.  She dreamed of more at night, in the day, and on walks from chocolate shops.

A car horn blared on the street, and Delphine jumped slightly as she was rudely jarred out of her thoughts of Cosima and the wonders she had experienced in her bed.

Delphine’s lips curved up once more and she blushed self-consciously, realizing she had been standing in the foyer of the Victorian for who knew how long, lost in dirty thoughts.

She headed for the staircase.

She had been bitten by the love bug and the only cure for the symptoms that plagued her was up those stairs waiting for her, and truffles.

xxx

When she reached Cosima’s door, Delphine reached up with hand that wasn’t clutching her bags of treats, and knocked twice before pulling the door open and entering the apartment.  She knew that she was smiling again, happily dopey, and she was mildly relieved to see that Cosima’s back was to her.  She had the distinct impression that the expression on her face made her appear like an overexcited puppy, and she had been hoping to make a far more alluring entrance.

Cosima was seated at her desk, and Delphine headed straight for her after closing the door to the apartment, intent on greeting Cosima properly.

“Bonsoir, ma chérie,” Delphine breathed out, reaching out for Cosima with her free hand.

Cosima leaned into her touch and then moved with her, angling her head back to give Delphine access to her mouth.  A small, sweet smile touched Delphine’s lips, and then she leaned down.  A content sigh fell from her lips a second later as their mouths came together in a sweet kiss that sent tendrils of warmth through Delphine’s entire body.

Cosima’s brain had been what first attracted her to the brunette, but Delphine had gained a great appreciation for her mouth, and all the rest of her as well.

However, Delphine had learned on their first night together that kissing Cosima for too long was a dangerous exercise that quickly led to clothes being shed and women being pushed down onto the desks and beds, if left unchecked.  So, she indulged in no more than a taste of Cosima’s lips before pulling back.

Truffles were her comfort treat, and she was as eager to share them with Cosima as Cosima had been to introduce her to Eskimo Pies.

“I have the truffles that I promised you,” Delphine began as she walked over to the kitchen counter to deposit her bags of goodies. 

There was no immediate response from Cosima, and Delphine’s brows furrowed slightly, though she told herself that it was probably nothing.  Cosima’s laptop had been open when she walked in and it was probably just taking Cosima a moment to turn her brain from whatever project she had been working on to conversation.

“Are you okay?” Delphine asked anyway, glancing over her shoulder so that she could see Cosima before she started to pull her jacket off. 

“Are you?” Cosima asked, her voice monotone, and her expression blank as she met Delphine’s eyes.

The look in her eyes and her tone of voice froze Delphine in place for a moment.  Since her meeting with Cosima in the lab she had been, as the American’s would say, floating with her head in the clouds, moving through day in a haze of post-coital euphoria mixed with anticipation of imminent coital bliss.  It was a very pleasant way to drift through an afternoon, but Cosima’s words and expression suddenly and unceremoniously brought her back down to earth.

“Well, I was, but …” Delphine began slowly, careful to keep her tone and expression mild despite the feelings of fear and anxiety that were beginning to rise inside of her as she gazed at Cosima.

There was something hard in Cosima’s eyes as she looked at her that Delphine had never seen directed at her before.  It reminded her a little of the way Cosima had looked at Aldous on the two occasion they had met, only there was sadness and pain mixed in with her searching and suspicious expression.   

Delphine took a tentative step towards Cosima, and Cosima roughly turned her lap tap around so that Delphine could see the screen.

The image that greeted Delphine froze her in place.

“Delphine Cormier not Bareux,” Cosima stated.

Delphine breathed out deeply, releasing a breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding.

“You’ve already got your degree in immunology, don’t you?” Cosima asked, her tone tired and resigned.

Delphine took another step forward and then dropped to her knees on the other side of Cosima’s desk. 

There was no denying what Cosima said, she knew that.  Cosima had the ocular proof.  Delphine knew that she was caught, and she would not further wound Cosima by trying to fib her way out it.  The only option available to her in the face for the photographic evidence before her was to admit her misdeeds and try to explain why she had done what she had done.  All she could do was finally tell the truth, and hope that Cosima would hear her.

“I am _so_ sorry,” Delphine began softly, gazing up at Cosima beseechingly.   

Cosima knew, she _knew_ , but Delphine’s words still struck her like a blow.

“I am _so_ stupid,” Cosima breathed out, her tone pained and self-chastising.

As she spoke, her hand fluttered up near her head, as if she wished to hit it, as if she wished to punish it for its betrayal of her, and Delphine’s heart twisted painfully in her chest, aching for the pain she was causing this beautiful, wonderful woman who had claimed her heart.

“No, no,” Delphine whispered, reaching out instinctively for Cosima, wanting to comfort her even though she was the cause of the pain Cosima was feeling, “No, you’re not.”

Cosima pulled away from her, leaning back in her chair, putting as much physical distance between them as possible without actually standing up and walking away from the desk.

“You knew this all along,” Delphine said softly, waving her hand over the pile of incriminating papers littering the surface of Cosima’s desk.

She knew that she had never really pulled the wool over Cosima’s eyes.  Cosima had been suspicious of her since she had approached Aldous after the lecture she had dragged Cosima to.  For most of their friendship Cosima had been careful around her, watching her closely.  Delphine had been very aware that during the time they had known each other, she was being studied and observed as much as she was studying and observing.  Cosima hadn’t known exactly who or what she was, but she had always been aware that Delphine was not exactly who and what she presented herself to be.

“Yeah, that transcript you accidently left behind.  Your fake boyfriend in Paris,” Cosima began. 

Delphine covered her face with her hands as Cosima began to list her lies, horrified to realize that Cosima had been on to her from the very beginning.  Cosima had known, or at the very least suspected her from their very first interaction, and she had still risked her heart and possibly her life by opening herself up to Delphine. 

Delphine lowered her head, resting her chin on the edge of the desk, hiding partially behind her arms which were folded on top of the desk, too ashamed to show her face.

“Pretending you didn’t know who Dr. Leekie was,” Cosima went on as Delphine gazed up at her, shamed and silent.  “I knew it was bullshit, but I still thought you were on my side,” she continued, her voice cracking, revealing the vulnerability and hurt that she had been trying so valiantly to hide.  “I wanted to trust you,” Cosima told her, and in her tone Delphine could hear self-recrimination, could hear her chastising herself for being so stupid.

But she hadn’t been stupid.  Cosima hadn’t misread her.  Her actions looked bad, they did, she knew that, but she cared for Cosima and she could be trusted.

“You can trust me,” Delphine said, lifting her head, meeting Cosima’s gaze firmly.

“You told Leekie,” Cosima replied tremulously, tears now clear in her eyes as her voice shook.  “I know these girls,” she continued, her voice rising before she looked away from Delphine, not trusting herself, not trusting her resolve in the face of Delphine’s angelic face and her big, blue, pleading eyes.

There was so much bewilderment and hurt in Cosima’s tone as she gazed at Delphine, her eyes shimmering behind her glasses with tears.  It tore at Delphine’s heart as Cosima’s cracking voice had moments before, but instead of making her want to hide in shame, this time it inspired a passionate response, because while it was true that she had told Aldous what she had found, it had not been done out of cruelty or malice, but out of love and a desire to protect.

It was an incontrovertible fact that she had been wrong to mislead Cosima, to lie to her, but like so many before her, she had started out with good intentions, trying to do the right thing.  At first she had simply wanted to make sure that the subjects were safe.  But then she had met Cosima, and it had become so much more personal.  It wasn’t just about lofty ideals and ethics anymore.  It was about a real, living, breathing person, a woman with passions, and dreams, and quirks, and insecurities, and a wicked sense of humor, and such beauty inside and out.  She wasn’t acting on some abstract principle anymore.  She was acting to help someone she cared about.  To protect someone she had come to love from a direct threat. 

She knew the path she had taken, the way she was going about things, the lies and the subterfuge, was wrong.  But the dye had already been cast.  By the time she started to have reservations to Cosima she was already been Delphine Bareux, a student studying immunology who had no connection to Dr. Aldous Leekie.  The stage had been set, and so she had soldiered on, lying to herself, as she lied to Cosima, telling herself that things would work out, that they would be okay, because her heart and her intentions were pure, even if her actions were not. 

But she had been wrong, as she had been wrong about so much, and now her day of reckoning was upon her. 

Delphine stood quickly and moved around the desk, moved towards Cosima, and then dropped to her knees before her, reaching out for Cosima desperately.

“I _had_ to!” Delphine stated emphatically, managing to take hold of one of Cosima’s hands which she held on to tightly.  “Look at me!” she stated firmly when Cosima turned from her. 

Reluctantly, Cosima turned back towards her.

“He says you’re in danger,” Delphine said urgently and beseechingly, her tone begging for understanding.

“Of what?” Cosima asked a moment later, her tone irritable and impatient as her eyes searched Delphine’s face.  “You don’t know, do you?” she asked when her keen eyes could make nothing out on Delphine’s face.

Delphine was quiet in the aftermath of Cosima’s question, a heaviness settling over her heart as she realized that Cosima was right.  She didn’t have an answer to the question.  She didn’t know who or what was a threat to Cosima and the subjects.  But she should have, she should have known. She was a scientist, she dealt in facts, but she had come into this undertaking with nothing but vaporous statements and promises.  Aldous had been her mentor and, for a brief period of time, her lover, and she had trusted him.  Blindly, she now realized, stupidly.  Like an idiot child, she had trudged forward, playing her part in a play she knew next to nothing about, foolishly taking the word of a man she was beginning to think she didn’t really know, and never had.

Delphine bit her lip and closed her eyes.

“No,” she whispered, admitting to the truth to Cosima, the word no more than an exhalation of breath, so soft it was almost inaudible.

“Then you’re the real danger, Delphine,” Cosima stated, her voice flat and monotone.  It was settled, and Delphine’s stomach churned at the sound of it.

“Cos…” she began, but before she could finish, Cosima stood and stepped around her, moving towards her bedroom without a word, leaving Delphine kneeling before an empty chair.

Delphine reached out, resting her hand on the seat Cosima had previously occupied, feeling the warmth left behind by Cosima’s body as the brunette’s last words ran through her head again and again.  _Then you’re the real danger, Delphine_.  _Then you’re the real danger, Delphine_.  _Then you’re the real danger, Delphine_.

Perhaps she was, Delphine thought, perhaps she had been, but she that hadn’t been her intent.  It wasn’t what she wanted.  She wanted to be a positive force in Cosima’s life.  She wanted to help.  She _could_ help.  She just needed to make Cosima see that.

And to do that, she needed to get up and go to her girl.

By the time Delphine got to her feet and make her way to the doorway of Cosima’s bedroom, Cosima had already pulled out a suitcase and was in the process of haphazardly throwing clothes onto her bed from her closet and dresser drawers.

“Cosima?” Delphine began, leaning against the doorframe as she peered into the bedroom.

There was no response from Cosima, only faster, rougher packing.

“Cosima,” Delphine tried again.  “What are you doing?” she continued, waving her hand at the mess on Cosima’s bed.

“You don’t need a Ph.D. to figure that out,” Cosima muttered, not sparing a glance at the blonde.  “But even if you did, you’ve got one so it should be a cake walk,” she continued, aggressively shoving a folded pair of jeans into her suitcase.

“Please, Cosima,” Delphine sighed pleadingly.  “Where are you going?”

“Why?  So you can tell Leekie?”  Cosima asked as she threw a shirt down angrily on the bed.  “I’m such an idiot!” she exclaimed.  And then she paused as a thought struck her.  “What else did you tell him?” she asked, her façade cracking again, giving Delphine a look a vulnerable woman beneath.

Delphine’s heart constricted as she realized that Cosima thought she had told Aldous about their night together, that she must have had thoughts of Delphine and Aldous sitting around drinking wine, laughing at her.  But Cosima’s worries couldn’t have been further from the truth.  Delphine never would have talked to him about that, about what they had shared.  She understood Cosima’s anger and suspicion, but that night _was_ special to her.  It meant something to her, just as much as it had meant to Cosima, despite what had happened afterwards.

“Nothing,” Delphine declared emphatically as Cosima tried and then gave up on folding a shirt, too emotional to complete even that simple task.  “Just the seven names,” she continued, knowing that if she had any hope of convincing Cosima that she was on her side that she had to be completely honest.  “Nothing about … Kira.”

Cosima stopped pretending to pack her clothes and glanced over at her.

“She’s an anomaly, you know that?” Delphine said. 

Even with the brief amount of time she had spent with Cosima’s notes she had been able to comprehend the significance of Kira’s existence.  Kira was an impossible girl, she shouldn’t have existed, but she did.  She was special, and that’s was exactly why she hadn’t mentioned her to Aldous.  He knew about the other subjects, Delphine wasn’t telling him about the existence of something new when she read him those seven names.  Kira was different, however.  Kira was an unknown entity, and as such might actually be able to be protected.

When Cosima turned to look at her, for the first time since they had met, Delphine saw true fear in Cosima’s eyes.  At the mention of Kira’s name and her being an anomaly, Cosima’s entire body language shifted, and when she spoke her voice cracked.

“Delphine, you can use me.  That’s fine,” Cosima began, spreading her hands helplessly, not caring about herself in that moment.  “But don’t go near that little girl,” she stated, holding up her hand as if she could physically hold Delphine back and keep her away from the girl.

“I didn’t, and I won’t,” Delphine replied, pained and pleading, as she really comprehended just how low Cosima’s opinion of her was at that moment.

She would never endanger a child.  Never.  And it hurt her that Cosima thought that she could, that she would, inform on an innocent seven year old.

“Get out!” Cosima yelled pointing aggressively at the door.

Instinctively, Delphine moved towards her, desperately reaching out for her, understanding on a primal, instinctive level what a precarious situation she was in.  Every second Cosima was slipping further and further away from her, and she feared that if she let her slip any further that she would never be able to draw her back into loving arms.

“Please listen to me!” Delphine begged as she moved towards Cosima, her hand outstretched.  “Just let me…”

Cosima moved away from her, shunning her touch as an animal would flee from an open flame.

The rejection after an afternoon of such rejections hurt Delphine, but she Cosima go.  She wanted to pursue her, the urge, the need to touch her was so strong, but she knew that her proximity and her touch were provoking a fear response in Cosima.  To Cosima, her nearness posed a threat.  So, though it was the opposite of what she wanted, Delphine knew that the best thing she could do was keep some physical distance between them.

“…tell you this one thing,” she continued, finishing her previous statement as she took a seat on Cosima’s bed as the brunette retreated to the open space near her bedroom window.  “Just listen to me,” Delphine pleaded softly, and Cosima looked at her, though she kept her distance. 

“I didn’t want to fall for you,” Delphine began, holding Cosima’s eyes with her own, hiding nothing from her.  “I wasn’t supposed to,” she went on, and Cosima sucked in a deep, pained breath.  “But I have,” Delphine breathed out, sounding awed and helpless.

“How can I possibly believe that, Delphine?” Cosima asked in an equally helpless tone of voice, clearly wanting to believe Delphine’s words, but unable to in the face of all that she had learned that day.

“Because you **feel** it!” Delphine replied passionately.

“Ugh,” Cosima sighed, looking away.

Feelings were nebulous things.  They could not be proven or disproven.  They were unreliable, misleading, deceptive, and hers had already proven themselves untrustworthy.  She had followed her feelings when she gave Delphine the benefit of the doubt.  She had trusted her feelings when she had taken Delphine to bed, and it had resulted in a broken heart and being one step closer to being returned to and locked up in the lab she had been grown in.

“This is not … it’s not a lie.  It’s not possible,” Delphine continued, her eyes shimmering with tears as she spread her arms pleadingly, her voice cracking as she entreated Cosima to believe her, to please believe her.  “You know, I’ve never been with a woman before …” she continued, the corners of her lips helplessly tugging up as she thought about Cosima, and being with her, and what it had made her feel.  What she _still_ felt, every time she looked at Cosima.  What she wanted to keep on feeling for the rest of her life.

“Yeah, it showed,” Cosima spat out, her eyes and voice hard, as she met Delphine’s eyes.

The words hit Delphine hard, harder maybe than she had a right to feel, but she felt them deeply nonetheless. 

It wasn’t pride that made it hurt so much, though the implication that she had been inadequate as a lover was a blow to it.  What made it really hurt was that she knew the words Cosima had spoken were meant to wound her.  That was Cosima’s design.  Cosima had landed the killing bow, and then her eyes had searched Delphine’s face, looking for, anticipating, the pain she knew would soon blossom on her features.  Cosima had meant to cause pain, and she wanted to see it realized.

Delphine’s face crumpled, and she looked down.

The attack had been well-conceived and expertly delivered.

She wondered if the anguish on the face before she looked down, with the tears shining in her eyes, had made Cosima felt better.

But she didn’t ask.

She didn’t say a word.

She simply stood and headed for the door.

Nothing good would follow from this point on if she were to stay.  Cosima was angry, justifiably so, and wanted to hurt her.  And she was vulnerable enough herself that she could be hurt, deeply and easily.  She was human enough that if enough to blows were landed she would strike back, and that could end up truly pushing Cosima away from her for good.

She didn’t want to leave, she didn’t to leave things this way, on a note of anger and cruelty, but staying was a bad idea.

As she bent down to pick up her jacket, Delphine considered turning around and saying something, begging, pleading, entreating, trying to explain once again, but she decided against it.  There was nothing she could say, not now.  Cosima couldn’t hear her now.  She needed time.

Delphine headed towards the door.

As she opened it, Delphine heard Cosima begin to cry.  Her eyes squeezed shut and her heart twisted painfully in her chest, but she continued through the door, her own eyes stinging with tears as she did.

“Merde,” _Shit_ , Delphine exclaimed angrily, hitting the hallway wall with her palm as she headed towards the stairs, the sound of Cosima crying still echoing in her head.  “Fuck!” she cried out in frustration, whacking the wall again, as the tears that had been welling in her eyes finally began to fall.

When she reached the main floor, she sat down on the last few stairs and dropped her head into her hands. 

She felt shaky and dizzy and her tears were clouding her vision. 

She couldn’t go outside like that. 

She needed to pull herself together.

She tilted her head back, looking up the stairs longingly, wanting to climb them again.  She envisioned throwing the apartment door open and stalking over to Cosima.  She imagined taking Cosima into her arms and kissing her until Cosima believed her. 

Poets told her that there was power in a kiss.  That kisses could reveal truth.  That they could speak a heart’s desire where words failed.  Surely her kiss could do that.  Her feelings were strong and true.  Surely her kiss could make Cosima understand. 

But Cosima would have to allow that kiss, and Delphine knew that she wouldn’t. 

Cosima hadn’t even let her hold her hand the last time she had tried.

If she went back up there she would upset Cosima.  

They would just fight and it would get ugly, like it had minutes before.

Delphine sighed and looked away from the stairs, turning towards the door that she was soon going to have to force herself to go through.

She brought her hand up to her face and wiped at her eyes, clearing away the tracks of tears that lined it, though she could feel more welling in her eyes and she suspected her efforts were useless.

As she drew her hand away from her face, the front door of the old Victorian opened up, and the girl Delphine had encountered on arrival at the house, stepped inside with a bag of take-out food in her hands. 

Their eyes locked, just as they had when Delphine had arrived at the house, but this time they did not exchange words.  The girl had seen her red rimmed eyes and despondent expression, and as Delphine had turned from the stairs a minute before, the girl turned her gaze from Delphine.  For the girl knew, just like Delphine had known when she had turned from the stairs and the possibility they held to face the door, that there wasn’t anything that she could say.

The End


End file.
